Codependency

What is codependency?

Codependency is generally characterized by sacrificing your needs in order to try to meet the needs of others.  Certainly sacrificing our needs to help others is part of being human and having friendships/relationships, but codependency is when it becomes too sacrificial and overwhelming.  It’s associated with passivity and feelings of shame, low self-worth, anxiety, exhaustion, or insecurity.  The short version catchphrase is “I need you to need me”.

Codependent traits is when parts of codependency are present but not meeting the whole description.  E.g. struggling with certain areas like boundary setting but not some of the other areas.

Quick codependency quiz:

• Do you expend more energy than you want to in meeting your partner’s needs?

• Do you feel trapped in relationships?

• Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship?

• Do you struggle with being alone for extended periods of time?

• Do you focus, worry, or stress about other people’s issues (more than you own)?

• Do you have difficulty saying no or setting boundaries?

• Are you seeking consistent approval from others and sensitive to others disliking you?

If you answered yes to some of these then it would be worth exploring further.  For clarity, yes to some of these can be healthy and within the norm.  We all, at times, expend more energy on our partner than ourselves.  We can all have difficulty saying no (puppy dog eyes?) or setting boundaries.  The questions we would explore in counseling is how much, how often, and how problematic are these behaviors?

Symptoms and Outcomes of Codependency / Codependent Traits

The personal toll for codependency (or codependent traits) can be high.  Low(ered) self-esteem, depression, anxiety, stress, muted/inhibited emotions, anger, resentment, hopelessness, despair, family dysfunction, emotional reactivity, intimacy issues (not necessarily sexual), desire for control, and sometimes slight narcissistic qualities (always being ‘right’ about things).  Codependency can also lead to drug or alcohol abuse issues as a means to cope.

Psychotherapy for Codependency / Codependent Traits

Thankfully there’s some fantastic therapy for codependency.  We, or whomever you end up working with, can look at a few different areas to help alleviate these thoughts, feelings, and resulting behaviors.

• Boundary setting:

  • We can discuss, explore, and collaboratively learn how and when to boundary set, as well as appropriate ways of doing it.  With this one of the main focuses I have is how to not feel guilty about setting boundaries.

• Self-care:

  • We work on improving self-care, coping skills, and putting yourself first.  The healthier we are the more we are able to give to ourselves and others (in healthy ways).

• Appropriate helping:

  • When are we going too far with our help?  Doing too much?  Enabling others?  These can be really hard questions to figure out alone.  Having a neutral third party (therapist) who has worked through this hundreds of times can make the process easier and more effective.

• Past trauma:

  • We will work of resolving and moving past any historical or recent trauma.  Often our patterns are learned in childhood and carried over in to adulthood.  On top of that, recent trauma (e.g. being cheated on or finding a partner passed out) can have a huge affect on us.  See my posts about EMDR for more information.

If you want to talk further, or think you might be codependency or have codependent traits, please reach out today.